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Rod Westacott

Occupation

Teacher

Location

The Chalet School

Interests

Coming-of-age movies Staying cool Naturism Kevin Smith movies Doctor Who The Expanded Whoniverse teetotalism (hmmm) Foreign movies music cooking sleeping late Home And Away 70's Sitcoms Partying with friends Canadian television Neighbours

The trouble with Rod was he never really knew why he was born. Having missed out on this vital piece of information nothing else that happened to him in life was ever likely to make very much sense.

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The Latest Rodnews

November 20

My New Haircut

November 19

I am aware that some regular Rodnewsers have yet to watch this latest Doctor Who special so I won’t give any plot details away. What I will say that this is brilliant (as you would expect) but very intense. There are links with previous episodes such as The Runaway Bride, Last Of The Time Lords, Planet Of The Ood, The Stolen Earth and Planet Of The Dead and there is a huge set-up for the next two specials at Christmas time this year. Russell T. promised that David Tennant’s final episodes would be memorable and so far he has well and truly delivered on this promise.

12:33 PM | Add a comment | Permalink | Blog it | Doctor Who

November 18

The Waters Of Mars

I've finally managed to get a copy of the latest Doctor Who special. I really can't wait to see it - hopefully tonight.

1:11 PM | Add a comment | Permalink | Blog it | Doctor Who

November 17

Pub Quiz

Finnegan's Wake (Peter, Steve, Macca and I - the Stud Muffins) had our worst night in a long time with a very disappointing sixth place. Sadly we didn't know our American states, celebrities, Australian snack foods and too many other topics as well. On the plus side we had our free dinner we won a few weeks ago and it was an enjoyable night. But sixth???

11:40 PM | Add a comment | Permalink | Blog it | That's What I Did

Chalk Face Redux II

And the same passage after being translated into Korean and then translated back to English.

The triple clause the swimming pools [lak] day [lak] while dividing, plaque [thu] [lik] with enormous it discusses and Bill sent a morning to Jeannie. Them the plaque [thu] which it discovers [lik] it teaches there was at a latecomer national hospital and the university back and the thin thing and the thing at many time it faced each other it decided with career change new before departing a day with the orderly, it wrote. He was 5 year for teaching now. Jeannie all with her good [ci] met her but and now just when it did not want asking and vast quantity and enormous tried to think did not talk the thing. Before being the possibility she moving when it goes toward the hazard house and this lunch of them the thing but it is sudden and it saw in the newcomer who now arrives just and the pool area which turns and all fall, and the thing regarding a noon Jeannie it was round, it informed. She saw enormous until now and it was the biggest woman from comparism, Jodi Hearst it sees the kip she made. She slept and Kop'ung pink bath time which she is wearing in compliance with was offset and there was a head which is deep-red. “Beryl halls " was, plaque [thu] [lik] it talked from low-end voice. “Her son count year inside 7 comes to this year. “Me in the swimming pool” not seeing assuredly on the front of Beryl, Jeannie was clear and it surprises from it talked. “Me her?” About it is doing from and there is a possibility of doing in the end where she which tries to think the swimming pool is shallow some like starting a slow stroke all eyes which are ceremony are she, sensitively, Beryl where it comes up. She the swimming pool her seeing a slow process in order her to make a slow method with the high piece almost was troublesome. Enormous she passes and when, the people snickering the possibility of listening it was. Like Beryl will be able to call her last deep end the swimming pool and string vast quantity dignified it arrived at the outside. “It was good and it was fun,” Jeannie that only muttered the fact that is more the troublesome army song than in her oneself. “Now she until what person?” Every person who in the swimming pool is to attendance made her method in the diving platform which is visible again with one time Beryl. The ladder the number which her is enormous with the high piece in compliance with her weight it was sweet and in the board it walked prudently at the outside. Beryl had 1 bounces and 2 bounces and it went and that time with the whole diving platform in lower part broke at the swimming pool. The children as for with shout the [ci] people who is sitting to from where to rush at the swimming pool sprang up comfort. To be cloudy the swimming pool Beryl attention will ask deeply on gap of one dust and the rubble to step on, clearly, it does not hurt not to be, improvement it decided it sees in her face. It rose from the swimming pool, she the swimming pool manager ignored an anguish [khey] one bleatings very and she made the exit meaning of a passage her escape exit. “This now of what it happened just? “Plaque [thu] [lik] under suspecting it asked. “This morning who will put in, regarding her weight which is explained the nose Beryl where it has the [thu] which it carries on shoulder”, Jeannie graffitied. “I this her method of payment was guess the thing city” after. He this legitimate was his 3rd day which to the city is reflected the thing in order for enormous to leave the swimming pool. It promised quite the year when there is a fun and.

2:09 PM | Add a comment | Permalink | Blog it | Entertainment

Chalkface Redux

Just for a laugh this is Part 5 of Chalk Face (see below) after it has been translated into French with an online translator and then translated into English again. as you can see there are some radical changes.

Rod and invoice spent the morning causing to Patrick and Jeannie while the triplets played in and out of the swimming pool. They discovered that Patrick was a latecomer with teaching after having spent to work much of time as a orderly in a hospital of country before deciding to go again to the university and the loading on a change of career. It had been teaching during five years now. Jeannie did not say much and Rod asked whether all were well with it but after having met it just did not like to require. Round about Jeannie midday announced that they had to go to the house for the lunch but before it could take a step a sudden silence seemed to go down on the sector and each one of swimming pool turned to the glance to one come which was right arrival. It was the largest woman that Rod had ever seen, returning to seem it of Jodi Hearst tiny in the comparism. It had the long red hair which was compensated by the obsolete bathers pink that it carried. “Which is Beryl Hall”, Patrick said in a low voice. “Its wire count is in year 7 this year. “I never saw Beryl with the front swimming pool”, Jeannie called in the obvious surprise. “I wonder what it does here? ” Conscious which all the eyes was on it, assembled Beryl as delicately as it could in the not very major end of the swimming pool and began some slow races. It was almost painful to observe its slow process because it made its slow manner to the top of the swimming pool. Rod could hear people snickering while it went beyond that. Finally Beryl reached the major end of the swimming pool and trail outside with as much dignity which it could gather. “Good which was interesting,” Jeannie murmured differently more with itself that no matter who. “Now what is it until? ” Once more each simple person of service to the swimming pool observed like Beryl made her manner with the council of diving. It raised its enormous figure to the top of the scale and delicate went outside on the council. Beryl took a rebound, two rebounds and then the whole platform of diving came breaking downwards in the swimming pool. The children shouted and people jumped to the top from where they sat down and precipitated towards the swimming pool. Among dust and the rubble which opacified the Beryl swimming pool carefully went water, apparently nonwounded and with a glance decided of triumph on its face. Rising out of the swimming pool, it was unaware of agonised bleatings of the director of swimming pool and made its exit of the door of exit. “That is right product? ”, Patrick asked for incrédule. “This morning somebody graffitied the Beryl barrier with comments about its weight”, Jeannie explained.

1:55 PM | Add a comment | Permalink | Blog it | Entertainment

ARIA Charts

Currently I own 14 of the top 50 albums on the ARIA Charts which I think is a pretty good average.

The CDs I actually own are

Greatest Hits - Foo Fighters (2)

Crazy Love - Michael Buble (6)

The E.N.D. - Black Eyed Peas (8)

Sigh No More - Mumford And Sons (10)

Funhouse - Pink (14)

The Resistance - Muse (18)

Backspacer - Pearl Jam (20)

Nevermind - Nirvana (30)

Essential Michael Jackson - Michael Jackson (38)

Brand New Eyes - Paramore (39)

It's Not Me, It's You - Lily Allen (42)

The Rhythm and The Blues - Jimmy Barnes (45)

Greatest Hits - Neil Young (46)

Recurring Dream The Best Of - Crowded House (50)

12:32 PM | Add a comment | Permalink | Blog it | Music

November 16

Chalk Face

Chalk Face – An ongoing Rodnews serial.

Part 5

Rod and Bill spent the morning chatting to Patrick and Jeannie while the triplets played in and out of the pool. They discovered that Patrick was a latecomer to teaching having spent a lot of time working as an orderly in a country hospital before deciding to go back to college and embarking on a career change. He’d been teaching for five years now. Jeannie didn’t say much and Rod wondered if everything was okay with her but having just met her didn’t like to ask.

Round about midday Jeannie announced that they had to go home for lunch but before she could make a move a sudden hush seemed to descend upon the pool area and everyone turned to look at a newcomer who had just arrived.

She was the biggest woman Rod had ever seen, making Jodi Hearst look tiny in comparism. She had long red hair which was off-set by the old-fashioned pink bathers she was wearing.

“That’s Beryl Hall”, Patrick said in a low voice. “Her son Earl is in Year 7 this year.

“I’ve never seen Beryl at the pool before”, Jeannie said in obvious surprise. “I wonder what she’s doing here?”

Conscious that all eyes were upon her, Beryl climbed as delicately as she could into the shallow end of the pool and started a few slow strokes. It was almost painful to watch her slow process as she made her slow way up the pool. Rod could hear people snickering as she went past.

Finally Beryl reached the deep end of the pool and dragged herself out with as much dignity as she could muster.

“Well that was interesting,” Jeannie muttered more to herself than anyone else. “Now what’s she up to?”

Once more every single person in attendance at the pool watched as Beryl made her way to the diving board. She hefted her huge figure up the ladder and gingerly walked out on the board.

Beryl took one bounce, two bounces and then the whole diving platform came crashing down into the pool. Children screamed and people jumped up from where they were sitting and rushed towards the pool. Amongst the dust and rubble that clouded the pool Beryl carefully trod water, apparently not hurt and with a decided look of triumph on her face.

Climbing out of the pool, she ignored the agonised bleatings of the pool manager and made her way out of the exit gate.

“What just happened?”, Patrick asked incredulously.

“This morning someone graffitied Beryl’s fence with comments about her weight”, Jeannie explained. “I guess this was her way of paying the town back”.

As Rod left the pool he reflected that this was just his third day in town. It promised to be a very interesting year.

Disclaimer: While some of the incidents in Chalkface are based on real life events, the characters are completely fictional.

3:50 PM | Add a comment | Permalink | Blog it | Entertainment

The Perfect Lesson

We have a number of Prac. Teachers in the school at the moment and today one of them was coming to watch me teach my Year 9 English class so I was under pressure to deliver the perfect lesson... AND IT WAS!!! I had carefully prepared handouts, music to play, video clips to watch, reading to be done and research to complete, all in the one lesson. The kids were perfectly behaved and the whole thing just ran like clockwork. Now the big question is... if I am capable of delivering the perfect lesson, why don't I do it all the time???

1:24 PM | Add a comment | Permalink | Blog it | Let's Work

The Universe Is Against Me

Fellow Rodnewsers, we devoted so much cosmic energy to stopping Michael Jackson's This Is It getting to Number 1 on the charts that we forgot to keep an eye on his competitors. The number 1 album this week is Reality Killed The Video Star by Robbie Williams. How did we not see that one coming?

November 15

Mona Lisa's Revenge

Kate, Brett, Kyle, Megan and I have just been watching the Mona Lisa's Revenge episode of The Sarah Jane Adventures. I won't tell you what happens but the Whovian in me (or is that Whooter?) can't help wondering how it all fits in with Doctor Who. As far as I can see, it must have happened like this. Leonardo Da Vinci gets home and discovers six vandalised canvases and a note from The Doctor telling him to paint new Mona Lisas over the six canvases. Leonardo doesn't have enough paint to complete the task so he borrows some from his next door neighbour and does as the Doctor has asked. Thus, there are now seven Mona Lisas in existence. Six of them are destroyed in Paris 1979, leaving just one behind which sets up the events of these latest episodes of The Sarah Jane Adventures. How utterly amazing is that?

10:40 PM | Add a comment | Permalink | Blog it | Doctor Who

November 13

Chalkface

Chalk Face – An ongoing Rodnews serial.

Part 4

Rod had always enjoyed a sleep-in on a Saturday morning but on his third morning in Eaton Hills the temperature soared above 40ºc before 8am. His new asbestos house became oven-like very quickly. Rod realised that his new communal living arrangement was not going to be very conducive to the naturist lifestyle he had enjoyed in the past. Bill obviously enjoyed a sleepover as well and apparently wasn’t bothered by the extreme temperatures. He finally emerged at 11.30.

Just as Bill was making himself some breakfast, there was a knock at the door. Their visitors turned out to be a stocky, bearded Irishman and his wife.

“There is a pool you know!” the woman announced as Rod answered the door. “Why aren’t you there?”

Before Rod could answer the man introduced himself.

“Hello I’m Patrick O’Reilly and this is my wife Jeannie. We saw that you had moved in yesterday and we thought we’d come and introduce ourselves and tell you about the pool. We live right behind you.

Rod introduced himself and Bill wandered over and did the same. Patrick turned out to be the Year 6 teacher at the school.

“You’ll actually be taking my class in the library sometimes”.

“A primary class?” Rod asked doubtfully.

“Yep, the Librarian always takes the primary classes. Didn’t you know?”

Rod shook his head. “I’m starting to realise there is a lot I haven’t been told. I haven’t even met the principal yes. What’s he like?”

“Dickie? He’s not a bad bloke. I don’t know what the secondary deputies are like because they’re both new this year.”

Rod was still trying to digest the news that the principal’s name was Dickie when Jeannie spoke again.

“We’re taking the kids down to the pool. Why don’t you come down and join us.”

Rod thought a swim sounded like a good idea and said he would come down. Bill agreed to join them later on. Jeannie went home to pick up the kids and Rod drove Patrick down in his car. The two men chatted about teaching and schools on the way down there. Rod found himself liking his new neighbour.

The whole town seemed to be at the pool. Kids ran around, disregarding the heat as they made the most of their last weekend before school started. Rod couldn’t help wondering which of the throng of kids he would be teaching.

Jeannie arrived shortly afterwards accompanied by three ten year old boys who seemed identical to Rod. Patrick got up and went over to them. Rod could hear him say to the boys, “See that man with the beard over there, he’s your new library teacher”.

The three boys looked at Rod with interest.

Patrick brought them over to where Rod was sitting on his towel.

“Boys, this is Mr West, and this is Terry, Adam and P.J.”. Rod could see that Patrick was very proud of his three boys. They all said hello and then ran off to jump in the pool.

“They’re identical triplets”, Patrick said proudly. “They’re a handful but we love them”.

Rod looked over at Jeannie who had just sat down with them. She smiled but he thought her eyes looked very tired.

At that moment Bill arrived looking very excited.

“I’ve just found out that my old friend Stephanie is our next door neighbour. She’s just started to move in next door.”

Rod and Patrick exchanged amused looks with each other. From Bill’s obvious excitement they both wondered if he was hoping that Stephanie might be more than just a friend.

Disclaimer: While some of the incidents in Chalkface are based on real life events, the characters are completely fictional.

3:24 PM | Add a comment | Permalink | Blog it | Entertainment

November 12

Polar Bears

I've just been watching the Naked Brothers Band movie Polar Bears and it's just magnificent. It would take a truly cold heart not to be moved by this.

After a scathing magazine article about Nat's lack of table manners, Jessie decides it's time the band learnt some etiquette. Alex is excused (because he's just a little boy) and Jessie accidentally gives him the DVD An Inconvenient Truth to watch. He is totally devastated to learn that global warming is threatening the continued existence of the polar bears at the North Pole and he convinces the rest of the band to donate all of the money from their New Orleans concert to charities that are helping the polar bears.

As the Naked Brothers Band tour continues Nat and Alex (and the band) meet up with Sonny in New Orleans where Nat is excited to meet his long lost twin Little Grace (they were born at the same hospital at the same day and their mothers were best friends but they're not actually really related). They also meet Little Grace's little sister Big Ella. At first Alex is irritated by Big Ella's obsession with Santa Claus but quickly changes his mind when he realises the only reason she wants Santa Claus to come early is that her family's home was destroyed by Hurricane Katrina and they are living in an old bus. The band decide that they will donate some of their money to helping the kids of New Orleans.

Nat and Alex greet Sonny in New Orleans

Unfortunately the press misunderstand something Alex says at a press conference and think he has made the claim that the Naked Brother Band are bigger than Santa Claus. Soon there is a massive public backlash against the band. They are beseiged by angry reporters, fans start burning their Naked Brothers Band CDs and even rock star Phil Collins holds a press conference to denounce the Naked Brothers Band. Worst of all the biggest concert of their career is cancelled meaning that neither the polar bears nor the kids of New Orleans will receive any money.

We're bigger than Santa Claus!!!

Everything seems hopless but then Big Ella (who's about six years old) holds a press conference of her own and sorts everything out and soon the band is back in everyone's good books again. Unfortunately it is too late to reschedule the concert because the band have to attend a State Dinner (and an opportunity for Nat to show he does have good table manners) on their last night in New Orleans. Alex is happy that the band are no longer pariahs but is still devastated that the charities won't get their money.

And then in the most amazing moment in the whole movie, the very kids from New Orleans that Alex was trying to help, arrive at the dinner with whatever little money they have managed to save and give it all to Alex to help with the polar bears. A little old lady also gives Alex a sizable cheque to help the cause. Alex asks if he can use some of the money to get Big Ella and her family a new home but the little old lady tells him that her husband has already taken care of it. Alex looks over to her husband and sees he is a familiar looking old man with a long white beard. Jesus wept... he felt abandoned.

And if all this wasn't enough Nat and Rosalina finally admit that they love each other and share the kiss that she promised him way way back in the original Naked Brothers Band Movie.

Finally!!!

11:00 PM | Add a comment | Permalink | Blog it | Movies

November 11

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Sesame Street. 40 years old and still going strong.

3:35 PM | Add a comment | Permalink | Blog it | Entertainment

November 10

And Another Thing

Lately I have been reading And Another Thing, the Sixth Book in the increasingly erratically named Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy trilogy. This one is actually written by Eion Colfer (he of Artemis Fowl fame) but he does a creditable job in stepping into Douglas Adams' shoes.

Colfer doesn't let the fact that Arthur Dent, Ford Prefect, Trillian Astra, Tricia MacMillan and Random Dent all died at the end of the last book stop him from bringing them all back for one more adventure. Zaphod also returns as does Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged. Eion Colfer doesn't try to emulate Adams' writing style and brings his own brand of humour to the series. The book is well written (as you would expect) and if I have one small complaint it's that Colfer tries too hard to fill in the many unexplained gaps in the original series. I wonder if even the most anal fan really needed to know what a Hrung is, something that was mentioned as a throwaway line in the first book of the series.

My recommendation would be to enjoy the book on its own merits rather than compare it to the original.

11:17 AM | Add a comment | Permalink | Blog it | Books

November 09

The ARIA Charts

Thank you to Thor and Gaia and any other deities I invoked to prevent Michael Jackson's This Is It reaching Number 1 for yet another week. It is still hovering dangerously in the Number 2 position but I'm safe for another week.

Instead, this week in the Number 1 position is Greatest Hits by The Foo Fighters, a CD I don't mind buying at all.

6:51 PM | Add a comment | Permalink | Blog it | Music

November 08

Rod's iPods ('cause I have two now)

The Stats

Total Number Of Songs: 15250

Have Been Played: 15250

Never Played: 0

Played This Year: 15250

Not Played This Year: 0

Most Often Played: The Great Beyond by The Fray (45 Plays)

Strawberry Fields Forever by The Beatles is currently at Number 8

(In case you've forgotten, it's the best song ever written!!!)

Health Watch

On Friday I went back to my kidney specialist for my regular check-up. All the test results were really good but my blood pressure is dangerously low so I have to change my medication again which will probably result in a week of dizziness and nausea (something to look forward to). Of course the danger is, if my blood pressure gets too high this will start affecting my kidneys. It's a vicious circle really.

Quote Of The Day

"We were quite psychedelicised but we were but babies in Lennon's world"

Howard Kaylan (The Turtles)

11:33 AM | Add a comment | Permalink | Blog it | Music

November 05

PD

Weeks ago the lovely Hanneke and I signed up to go to a PD course about using Clickview (whatever that is) in the school. At the time it seemd like a good idea and we were lured by the promise of a free afternoon tea. Now it is the actual day of the PD session I don't want to go anymore. This week seems to be one of those weeks when the job is taking over my life. I was here until 10.40 on Tuesday with the cadets, yesterday we had a staff meeting and today is a 3 hour PD session. That's not to mention the pile of marking I still have to get done.

Boy I'm glad I got all that of my chest. Hope I didn't bring you all down!

12:26 PM | Add a comment | Permalink | Blog it | Let's Work

View more entries

Other Blogs


The Small Picture Stuart - an itinerant hedonist based in China

SoBo This Life My brother Matt's Blog about living life south of Beaufort Street, Perth WA. After a promising start to the year, he hasn't updated for quite a while now.

Super Davey's Website The Young Padawan offers his thoughts about this crazy world we all live in. Time for an update Big Boy!!!

Fairliearoundthetraps My friend Adele's best friend. I've never actually met her but I enjoy reading her Blog.

Peter's Space Peter' Blog. Like the much mourned Beer World, Peter's Space seems to have died.

Essential Reading For The Cultured Few My mate Rob's Blog. Always worth a read.

Claude's From Mars, Gary's From Venus Not updated for a long time. Even the sizzling photos seem to have disappeared.

Gina's Space I know who she is now. Peter reckons he doesn't know her but he really does!!! Has finally updated after a year of inactivity

Jenny's Wild And Wacky World Not updated for a long, long time. Maybe Jenny's World isn't wild or wacky anymore.

Other Sites

Just some links I like to visit every now and then.


Randon Number Generator Because life should always be a random event

Lucas4you Rather interesting blog examining coming of age films. Worth a look.

SDD Films Rare and Foreign Coming Of Age Films.

You Can't Do That On Television The official site of my other favourite Canadian TV show.

Amazon (US) They don't really need the publicity but it is where I buy my Degrassi DVDs.

play4me.com.au Online Aussie video and CD store.

IMDB The Internet Movie Database.

Neighbours The official Australian Neighbours site. Everybody needs good Neighbours.

Home And Away The official Home and Away website. You know we belong together.

ARIA Charts Australia's Official Music Charts

CDs 2009

Which CD will win the prestigious Rodnews Album Of The Year?


Oliver 2009 London Cast

Between My Head And The Sky Yoko Ono Plastic Ono Band

Christmas In The Heart Bob Dylan

Crazy Love Michael Buble

Live At A Distance Steeleye Span

Ignore The Ignorant The Cribs

Brand New Eyes Paramore

White Lunar Nick Cave and Warren Ellis

Back Spacer Pearl Jam

The Resistance Muse

Lungs Florence And The Machine

The Rhythm And The Blues Jimmy Barnes

Stack Is The New Black Short Stack

Story Of A Heart Benny Andersson Band

Horehound The Dead Weather

The Smithereens Play Tommy Smithereens

The E.N.D Black-Eyed Peas

Inshalla Eskimo Joe

Relapse Eminem

Together Through Life Bob Dylan

Songs For My Mother Ronan Keating

Easy Star's Lonely Hearts Dub Band Easy Star All-Stars

Fork In The Road Neil Young

Easy Come, Easy Go Marianne Faithfull

No Line On The Horizon U2

1000 Stars Natalie Bassingthwaighte

It's Not Me, It's You Lily Allen

The Crying Light Antony And The Johnsons

Movies 2009

Which big screen movie will win the Rodnews Movie Of The Year?


District 9 An alien ship breaks down over Johannesburg and the South African people are forced to accept over a million aliens into their city in this powerful deconstruction of Apartheid and human nature.

Let The Right One In A brilliant Swedish coming-of-age movie. 12 year old Oskar is bullied by his class mates until he meets a special friend who gives him the confidence to fight back. But is she all she seems?

Star Trek J.J. Abram's Star Trek is not so much a prequel as a reimagining of the Star Trek story. This is a confident movie which sets up many intriguing scenarios which deserve to be followed up in future movies.

Watchmen After much anticipation, Watchmen is as good as I hoped. Taking whole slices of the graphic novel it's just amazing to see Rorschach and the others come to life on the big screen.

Milk The story of California's first openly gay elected official, Harvey Milk, a San Francisco supervisor who was assassinated along with Mayor George Moscone by San Francisco Supervisor Dan White. Sean Penn is amazing!!!

The Changeling A mother's prayer for her kidnapped son to return home is answered, though it doesn't take long for her to suspect the boy who comes back is not hers. Angelina Jolie is very good in this surprisingly brutal movie.

The Wrestler Mickey Rourke gives a career defining performance in this disturbingly good character study. The ending is stunning.

CSNY Deja Vu Follows the legendary Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young on their 2006 Freedom Of Speech tour across America. An important document of our times.

Slumdog Millionaire Jamel Mailk is one question away from winning the Indian Who Wants To be A Millionaire but being a "Slumdog" he must have cheated... musn't he? The answer lies in his very disturbing past.

TV 2009

Which show will win the Rodnews TV Show Of The Year?


TV Burp Maybe it's Ed Kavalee's delivery or maybe it's just the absurdity of the whole premise but I just love this show, especially when they're making fun of Home and Away or Neighbours. Too cool.

Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader It's amazing how much tension arrives from knowing the only way you can win half a million is if an 11 year old knows more than you.

The 7pm Project Sometimes the best way to understand the news is to make fun of it.

Torchwood: Children Of Earth Unrelentingly grim, but absolutely brilliant. This is not your father's Doctor Who!

The Chasers War On Everything The War Is Over (but I'm not sure who won). Fittingly Chris died of cancer.

Thank God You're Here It's a simple idea but brilliant. Put a comedian in an unknown scenario and let them be funny!!!

The Sarah Jane Adventures The recent Comic Relief episode (with the brilliant Ronnie Corbett) has just made me even more impatient for Series Three to begin.

The Gruen Transfer It's over for another series but hopefully it will be back again soon.

Doctor Who It seems too long to wait until the next special, especially now that we know that Donna is coming back. And hopefully Beep The Meep.

Home And Away Nicole has to be the most screwed up teen ever in the history of Summer Bay. And that's saying something.

Spicks And Specks I for one will have no complaints if Myf taking her shirt off becomes a regular part of this very funny show

Neighbours It's great that Lyn is back on Ramsey Street. There just weren't enough over-actors on the show before her return.

Two And A Half Men It just gets smuttier and smuttier. No wonder I love it so much. Some people don't love it, do they Kate?

How I Met Your Mother Will we ever get to meet the mother?

Good News Week It's good news week. Someone dropped a bomb somewhere contaminating atmosphere and blackening the sky...

Finnegan's Wake

The people who have been members of Finnegan's Wake over the years.


The Original Line-Up Peter, Matt and Rod.

The Classic Line-Up Peter, Steve, Brett and Rod

The Ring-Ins Brett, Gary, Macca and Rod

The New Legends Peter, Steve, Gary and I

The New Warriors Steve, Brett, Gary and I

The Stud Muffins Peter, Steve, Macca and Rod

The Three Musketeers Steve, Brett and Gary

The Paddo Piss-Up Line-Up Peter, Steve, Merv, Lorraine, Princess, Padawan, Gary, Claudine, Mum, Dad and Rod.

Coming Of Age Classics

The best Coming Of Age Classics of all time


De Witte van Sichem In Belgium during the early 20th Century "Whitey" hates school but has a passion for reading. Unfortunately his family are poor and in service to a rich, uncaring farmer who treats his workers like slaves. Socialism is on the rise but all Whitey wants to do is re-enact the battles he reads about and have fun with his friends. Eric Clerckx is very good in the title role.

The Devil's Playground 13 year old Tom Allen is a student in a Catholic seminary in the 1950s. He struggles with doubts about his fatith and his emerging sexuality. One of the best Australian movies ever.

Du Er Ikke Alene (You Are Not Alone) Students at a repressive Danish boarding school go on strike when one of their number is suspended for possession of pornography. Whilst all of this is going on 15 year old Bo falls in love with 12 year old Kim (the headmaster's son) and they start to explore their sexuality together. This is a confronting but rewarding film and one of the better examples of the coming of age genre.

The Genesis Children Peter Glawson leads a group of boys in unashamed exhibitionism as they perform a play before God under the watchful eye of a mysterious priest. Later an act of violence splinters the group and each boy must decide what his future will be. A difficult and thought-provoking movie

La Fonte Des Neiges The story of a 12 year old boy who reluctantly comes to a nudist camp with his mother and hates the whole experience until he discovers two things, magic mushrooms and his first love in the form of a much older Antoinette. Anyone who has ever struggled to find their place in society can't help loving this amazing French film.

Let The Right One In 12 year old Oskar is bullied by his classmates until he makes friends with a mysterious girl, Eli, who may not be what she seems. This Swedish movie asks lots of questions but provides few answers leaving the audience to decide what is real and what is just in Oskar's mind.

Now And Then After an eventful summer in 1970, four girls vow they will always return if any of the others need them. Twenty years later this vow is put to the test. This is a thoughtful picture of a time where society was rapidly changing.

Olivier Olivier Nine year old Olivier is sent to take a basket of food to his nearby grandmother and doesn’t return. His already dysfunctional family falls apart. The father Marcel, goes off to Africa and his embittered mother Elisabeth is forced to remain behind looking after her other child Nadine. Six years later a 15 year old prostitute is arrested in Paris and claims to be the missing Olivier. He knows details about the family that only Olivier could know so he is returned to the family. Marcel returns from Africa and he and Elisabeth accept Olivier as their missing son. Only Nadine has her doubts, especially when her relationship with the newcomer becomes sexual. However, eventually even she is convinced that Olivier has returned.

Doctor Who - The First Doctor

The William Hartnell Years 1963-1966


An Unearthly Child The first episode is still an amazing piece of television but unfortunately in the next three episodes the Doctor, Susan, Barbara and Ian have to put up with a group of cavemen who are so dumb they've forgotten how to make fire.

The Daleks Barbara is terrorised by a sink plunger. Yes, the Daleks arrive on the scene and Doctor Who will never be the same again. The episode one cliffhanger is still amazing.

The Edge Of Destruction The Tardis crew go crazy and start attacking each other (watch Susan go mental with a pair of scissors). It turns out the Tardis is trying to warn the travellers of impending doom. Surely there must be a more subtle way of achieving this.

Marco Polo I've never seen this one but I imagine the Doctor and his companions spend a lot of time in a swimming pool with their eyes closed, trying to find each other. No... just me then?

The Keys Of Marinus The Doctor and friends go on a quest to find the Keys of Marinus. Barbara nearly gets raped and the Doctor gets to wear a stupid wig. The main villain wears a rather fetching wet suit. It's all good.

The Aztecs Forget Paul McGann snogging Grace or David Tennant snogging just about everybody, in the Aztecs, William Hartnell's Doctor actually gets engaged to be married. No really!!!

The Sensorites Basically Susan at her most mental. The Earthmen's plot is way too complicated to make any sense but the titular Sensorites look rather groovy.

The Reign Of Terror The French jailer is surely descended from the French taunters spotted in The Holy Grail. His accent is outrageous.

Planet Of Giants Tell us Doctor, why did the Tardis shrink? Oh, because the doors were opened whilst the Tardis was in flight. That makes perfect sense. Apparently this was a four parter that was heavily edited to make a three parter. It's still too long.

The Dalek Invasion Of Earth Remembered because of the Dalek coming out of the river and also because of that dreadful Peter Cushing film that it spawned.

The Rescue A murder mystery which is not all that difficult to solve considering there is only one suspect. Also Barbara becomes a Warrior Woman and callously shoots Vicki's beloved pet.

The Romans Watch Ian and Barbara as they relax in the Villa. You can't tell me that they're not basking in the afterglow of whatever Roman orgy they've just attended. It's like a Carry-On film at times.

The Web Planet It's amazing what can be achieved with a giant ant costume and lots of vaseline. Look for the scene where a Zarbi runs into the camera. It's hilarious!!!

The Crusade Imagine these days if Russell T. pitched a story about Christians fighting Muslims in bloody battle. The BBC would have a fit!!!

The Space Museum The Doctor is forced to protect an alien race who are so completely dull you wonder why he bothers. Still, William Hartnell looks a treat in his bathing suit.

The Chase Is memorable for two main reasons. 1. A Dalek who is so dumb he stutters when he speaks and 2. Barbara's hair.

The Time Meddler Basically it's a rogue priest who likes to meddle with... time (rather surprisingly). These days rogue priests prefer other things to meddle with.

Galaxy 4 A story that is named after the galaxy that it isn't set in. So that makes sense.

Mission To The Unknown Wow, a Doctor Who story that neither the Doctor or his companions appear in. Luckily it's got some Daleks in it or we wouldn't know which programme we were watching.

The Myth Makers It's goodbye Vicki and hello Katerina. Just don't get too used to the new companion. I suspect she won't be around for very long.

The Dalek Masterplan So Sara Kingdom, is she a proper companion or not? Doctor Who scholars are still arguing over this vital question. It probably doesn't really matter seeing how she snuffs it in this, her very first story.

The Massacre Apparently Dodo Chaplet is the descendent of Ann Chaplet who the Doctor and Steven met earlier in the story. So not only did Ann survive the Massacre but she also had a bastard child who was eventually able to pass the Chaplet surname to Dodo. Hmmm

The Ark The Doctor must save the human race from slavery to the Monoids who are obviously all huge Beatles fans judging by their outrageous mop-top hairstyles.

The Celestial Toymaker Has a celebrated apperance by Billy Bunter... except (of course) it wasn't Billy Bunter at all. Erase all thoughts that the fat schoolboy in this story is Billy Bunter.

The Gunfighters If anyone ever wants to put on a Doctor Who musical they should look no further than The Gunfighters. Historical accuracy is brushed aside in favour of jolly singalongs around the piano.

The Savages I've never seen this one but the Target novel is rather good, in fact so good you just know it could only be a disappointment to actually see the story on the TV.

The War Machines So is his name Doctor Who or not??? According to this story it is!!!

The Smugglers If you get bored with the story you can always amuse yourself by spotting all the sexual innuendo that has somehow snuck into the script. No really, it's just smut city!!!

The Tenth Planet Is mainly remembered because it's the first time the Doctor regenerates, but also because it shows the Cybermen wearing hoodies.

Doctor Who - The Second Doctor

The Patrick Troughton Years 1966-1969


The Power Of The Daleks Ben and Polly do not believe Patrick Troughton is the Doctor probably because of the stupid hat he wears. Luckily a Dalek (with no fashion sense) does recognise him.

The Highlanders Remembered for being the story that introduced Jamie and for the Doctor's outrageous drag act.

The Underwater Menace Altogether now... "Nothing in ze world can stop me now!!!!" In a show that prides itself on loony scientists, Professor Zaroff is the biggest loon of them all.

The Moonbase We finally find out what companion Polly's surname is. It turns out her name is actually Polly Put The Kettle On. Who knew???

The Macra Terror In which an entire holiday camp gets a serious case of the crabs.

The Faceless Ones In the history of bizarre plans, the Chameleons' plan is up there with the best. It really doesn't make any sense at all.

The Evil Of The Daleks Hmmm, so the Daleks are going to be evil in this story unlike all the other Dalek stories when they're just so nice.

The Tomb Of The Cybermen It's genuinely exciting when the Cybermen emerge from their tombs. But then they sort of... get back into them again.

The Abominable Snowmen It has to be said. There is nothing scary about the Yeti in this story. They look like something you would like to take home and cuddle.

The Ice Warriors Here's a thought. Why call yourself Ice Warriors? All it does is give your enemies a significant clue in how to defeat you. Why not call yourself Heat Warriors so that everybody assumes you can't stand the cold. That would fool them!!!

The Enemy Of The World Salamander is thrown into the vortex when he attempts to use the Tardis controls. Luckily for Tegan (many years later) this function no longer seems to work or she would be a goner.

The Web Of Fear You've got to love a villain who calls itself The Great Intelligence. It shows confidence and style all round. Plus keep an eye on that army bloke. I reckon we'll be seeing more of him.

Fury From The Deep The Doctor has always surrounded himself by screaming girls and for once it actually came in useful.

The Wheel In Space Zoe becomes a companion and anyone who has ever seen her in THAT costume knows this is a good thing.

The Dominators Doctor Who always struggled to find an alien race as iconic as the Daleks. With the Quarks they were a long way off.

The Mind Robber Yes it's a brilliant story but lets face it the main reason any bloke would watch this is to see Wendy Padbury's bottom as she clings desperately to the Tardis console.

The Invasion Yes it has Cybermen in it but watch carefully as The Brigadier has a real Scooby-Doo moment. It's priceless.

The Krotons Why do people remember the Krotons so fondly? They're crap!!!

The Seeds Of Death Actually the seeds are more like bubbles but I guess The Bubbles Of Death just doesn't have the same ring to it although they probably would have used it in The Tomorrow People

The Space Pirates As dull as watching paint dry.

The War Games Zoe has a photographic memory and memorises the names and faces of the rebel leaders. It is slightly bizarre then when she actually meets them her first question is "who are you?". Oh and the Time Lords show up as well (for the first time).

Doctor Who - The Third Doctor

The Jon Pertwee Years 1970-1974


Spearhead From Space Yes there is a new Doctor but the best part of this story is watching Caroline John (Liz Shaw) valiantly struggle not to laugh at the Brigadier's unconvincing facial hair.

Doctor Who And The Silurians If the character is not called Doctor Who then why is this story called Doctor Who and the Silurians? It doesn't make sense at all.

The Ambassadors Of Death If UNIT is a top secret organisation why do the Brigadier and the Doctor both appear on the TV which is being watched all over the world?

Inferno Nicholas Courtney does a great job in the duel roles of the Brigadier and The Brigade Leader. Unfortunately it does hammer home to the viewers that the Brigadier's moustache is actually fake.

Terror Of The Autons The Master arrives for the start of many years of outrageous plans and moustache twirling.

The Mind Of Evil The Master's worst fear is the Doctor laughing at him. Well it would be wouldn't it!!!

The Claws Of Axos This should be remembered for the brilliant story and psychedelic effects but let's face it the best thing in the whole story is Pigbin Josh.

Colony In Space The Master seems to think he's in an episode of Batman when he sets an amazingly complicated trap just in case anyone happens to wander into his Tardis.

The Daemons The Daemon gets all confused by a dizzy blonde girl in a mini skirt. What hot blooded male hasn't done the same at one time or another.

Day Of The Daleks This story has it all, Daleks, Ogrons and lessons in wine appreciation. What more could you ask for?

The Curse Of Peladon Jo Grant gets all dollied up for a night on the town with Mike Yates (and what a riot that would be) which is lucky because it means the Pels accept her outrageous claim that she is the Princess Josephine of Tardis.

The Sea Devils A local yokel shows amazing prescience when he sees some lizard creatures emerging from the sea and calls them sea devils, because that's what they turn out to be called.

The Mutants Apparently it's a satire on Apartheid. You can kind of understand why the colonists are a little wary of the natives, seeing as they are all turning into hideous monsters.

The Time Monster Contains the most brilliant piece of dialogue in the history of Doctor Who. When a character called Stu gets excited his colleague turns to him and says, "Simmer down Stu!!!" Brilliant.

The Three Doctors The story title kind of gives away the fact that the first three Doctors are in the story but this is more than made up for by the UNIT squaddie's immortal reaction when the UNIT HQ building vanishes.

Carnival Of Monsters There's a script? Apparently no one told Jon Pertwee there was a script for episode one where he seems to just say the first thing that comes into his head even if it makes no sense at all.

Frontier In Space The Master is nuttier than a fruitcake by this stage but he redeems himself when he shows up with some old friends of the Doctor's. Roger Delgado milks it for all its worth in his last Doctor Who performance.

Planet Of The Daleks Why is the Doctor so surprised to find Daleks on the planet. Isn't that why he asked the Timelords to send him there in the first place?

The Green Death It's the one with the giant maggots!!! Nuff said.

The Time Warrior It's Sarah Jane Smith, surely the greatest companion of all time. Plus we get the first appearance of the Sontarans plus Dot Cotton from Eastenders. Wow!!!

Invasion Of The Dinosaurs Before Jurassic Park... London is terrorised by plasticine dinosaurs who float above the ground and say "roar" rather than actually roar. It's very cool.

Death To The Daleks The title kind of gives away the ending. However, it is amusing to see the Daleks test their new weaponary on little miniature Tardis models. Are they standard issue among Skaro's finest?

The Monster Of Peladon "There's nothing only about being a girl." Sarah Jane Smith brings women's lib to Peladon. Bless her!!!

Planet Of The Spiders Jon Pertwee's final episode is great,plus we get to see the Doctor and the Brigadier enjoying themselves watching a stripper.

Doctor Who - The Fourth Doctor

The Tom Baker Years 1974-1981


Robot As much as we all love the coat and scarf, how cool would it have been if the Fourth Doctor had kept the viking costume?

The Ark In Space The guy playing Noah is such a good actor he even makes bubble wrap look scary.

The Sontaran Experiment The Sontarans are experimenting on humans to test them before they invade. But hang on, the Earth is no longer populated so why are they bothering?

Genesis Of The Daleks Just imagine if Davros had decided to go with the giant clam thing rather than go on to invent the Daleks. I suspect he wouldn't be so well remembered today if he had.

Revenge Of The Cybermen The Cybermen have developed an allergy to gold so its convenient that a planet made of the stuff has suddenly appeared out of nowhere.

Terror Of The Zygons The Brigadier looks a treat in a kilt. Harry gets shot and the hospital matron is the most frightening thing ever seen in Doctor Who.

Planet Of Evil Ewen Solon (Vishinsky) delivers the line, "No Salamar", as if his very life depends upon it. Which perhaps it did.

Pyramids Of Mars If Horus was so keen on locking up Sutekh for eternity, why did he lock all the things he needed to escape in the pyramid with him.

The Android Invasion Isn't it funny how life-like these android doubles look until just before the moment where their faces are ripped off.

The Brain Of Morbius Is Tom Baker really the fourth Doctor? This story seems to imply there have been at least four more Doctors before the William Hartnell one.

The Seeds Of Doom The Doctor and Sarah accidentally wander into an old Avengers episode by mistake.

The Masque Of Mandragora If a beard makes a villain then Hironymous, the main villain in this story, has a beard that would put the Master to shame.

The Hand Of Fear Sarah Jane Smith does her best Andy Pandy impersonation and goes round enigmatically stating, "Eldrad must live!!!". No wonder she then packs her goodies and leaves.

The Deadly Assassin As opposed to the usual assassins who aren't deadly at all.

The Face Of Evil Dads everywhere sat up and took notice as new companion Leela is introduced.

The Robots Of Death What's the point of setting up a murder mystery if the killer is revealed in the title of the story? It was the robots wot did it!!!

The Talons Of Weng-Chiang Poor Brisbane, apparently its due to be butchered sometime soon.

Horror Of Fang Rock When it's in human form the Rutan has fairly unrestricted movement. In its real form it can barely make it up the stairs. Why then does it insist on revealing its true form in the last episode.

The Invisible Enemy If only this enemy had stayed invisible and not suddenly revealed itself as an over-sized prawn thing. Still we did get K9 as well so that's a bonus, isn't it?

Image Of The Fendahl Is it just me or is there something vaguely rude looking about the Fendahl?

The Sun Makers This sends an important message to impressionable nine year olds - make sure you pay your taxes!!!

Underworld Just in case you missed this is a satire of Jason and the Argonauts, the Doctor blatantly points it out at the end of the story. Just in case.

The Invasion Of Time The all powerful Time Lords are invaded by... some tinfoil.

The Ribos Operation The Doctor is given a quest to find the Key To Time by the all powerful White Guardian who was brought into the series after the last story made the once powerful Time Lords look so impotent.

The Pirate Planet So the remains of the planet Calufrax is the second segment of the Key To Time. What would the doctor have done if he'd come along before the planet was destroyed. Would he have had to destroy it?

The Stones Of Blood Professor Rumford is the best companion the Fourth Doctor never had. Imagine the two of them pottering around the universe, fighting baddies and eating sausage sandwiches.

The Androids Of Tara Apparently it's a satire of The Prisoner Of Zenda which would be more impressive if anyone actually knew what that was.

The Power Of Kroll You have to admire ambition. Kroll was intended to be the biggest creature ever seen in Doctor Who so far. Shame it looks so unconvincing then.

The Armageddon Factor "Young men are dying for it". If you didn't know better you'd think you'd accidentally switched on a bad 70's porno.

Destiny Of The Daleks Hey Daleks what's the point of impressively crashing through a glass wall if all you're going to do is yell "do not move, do not move" at someone who shows no sign of moving?

City Of Death Well, there's a city and there is some death but it's still not the most accurate story title ever. It does have John Cleese in it though.

The Creature From The Pit There is no denying that Erato, the titular Creature From The Pit is actually just a giant penis. The Doctor even tries blowing it at one stage. What were they thinking?

Nightmare Of Eden Hey kids, don't do drugs. You never know where they really came from. Doctor Who goes all gritty and hardline... or something.

The Horns Of Nimon The Nimon look great but you can't help wondering when they will take off their masks and reveal their true faces. Then you realise their masks are actually their true faces and it dawns on you that they're actually a bit crap.

Shada Never completed which is a shame because it includes Romana's rememberance of when she was a Time-Tot.

The Leisure Hive Brock and Klout are actually disguised Foamasi. The question is, how did they get such big heads in such a small costume??? Mind you, the Slitheen seem to manage pretty well in later years.

Meglos The Doctor is so busy fighting a cactus that he doesn't notice that Lexa is a dead-ringer for Barbara Wright.

Full Circle Some fans have long suspected that when Adric's brother Varsh died, it was the wrong brother that was killed.

State Of Decay The Doctor and Romana don't know that Adric has stowed away on the Tardis but surely K9 would realise. In Shada he knows exactly what Romana is doing when she takes a quick toilet break and how long it will all take her.

Warrior's Gate So its goodbye to Romana and K9. Contemporary viewers consoled themselves with the knowledge that at least the Doctor still had Adric as a companion.

The Keeper Of Traken It does not become us to mock the Melkur. I think there is something in that for all of us!!!

Logopolis It's Tom Baker's last episode so it's slightly disappointing that the Master's plan involves blackmailing the universe using a Walkman. No really!!!

Doctor Who - The Fifth Doctor

The Peter Davison Years 1982-1984


Castrovalva The Master's main problem is that he lacks self-confidence. Even HE knows that the complicated hydrogen in-rush plan will fail which is why he develops the even more complicated Castrovalva plan.

Four To Doomsday Probably of interest to dance afficianados and speakers of ancient Aboriginal dialects (like Tegan apparently) but not to anyone else.

Kinda Just when you think you are watching the best Doctor Who story ever, a giant rubber snake pops up and spoils the whole thing. Shame!!!

The Visitation Nyssa does seem to spend a lot of time building a giant vibrator in the Tardis bedroom.

Black Orchid People often compare this to an Agatha Christie story but that would imply there is actually some sort of mystery happening. On the plus side, Adric eats a lot.

Earthshock Why do the Cybermen need the freighter to take them to Earth when they have obviously already been there to drop off their two robots. It doesn't make sense at all. Oh, Adric dies as well.

Time Flight As far as I can tell, the only reason the Master disguises himself as Kalid is to give Peter Davison a laugh when he thinks the camera isn't on him.

Arc Of Infinity The Doctor chases Omega all through the streets of Amsterdam and yet they never pass a single sex shop or drug cafe.

Snakedance Martin Clunes guests stars as Lon, a man who really does behave quite badly.

Mawdryn Undead The Brigadier knows how many beans make five which is apparently an important part of the British maths curriculum.

Terminus Lazar's disease is a bit like leprosy except one of the symptoms is to remove all of your clothing and replace them with any old rags you can find.

Enlightenment Leee Johns is an atrocious actor and (apparently) not a very good speller either.

The King's Demons How excited we all were when new companion Kameleon joined the Tardis crew. Little did we know that the next time we saw Kameleon the Doctor would brutally murder him.

The Five Doctors All Five Doctors join forces to play the game of Rassilon. Well, Three Doctors, an imposter and a wax dummy do anyway. Still Tegan, Turlough and Susan have a very nice tea party.

Warriors Of The Deep Seeing the Myrka, you can't help wondering if the Silurians and Sea Devils have spent their time between Who appearances doing Panto!!! It's behind you!!!

The Awakening At one stage Willow tells Tegan that if she doesn't put the Queen Of May dress on, he will do it for her. Does he mean he will dress Tegan or is he going to put the dress on himself. We need to know.

Frontios Mark Strickson (Turlough) gives the most over the top performance ever seen in the history of Doctor Who. And that's quite an achievement.

Resurrection Of The Daleks The Daleks seem to have about five different plans all going on at the same time, none of which make much sense at all. Still we do get a glimpse of Dirty Den from Eastenders smirking away in the background.

Planet Of Fire The latest companion Peri strips down to her bikini. Unfortunately so does Turlough.

The Caves Of Androzani Episode One has one of the best cliffhangers ever so it's a shame that they brought the lava beast out to end Episode Two. It's like it wandered in from a completely different show.

Doctor Who - The Sixth Doctor

The Colin Baker Years 1984-1986


The Twin Dilemma Many people have criticised the scene where the new Doctor strangles Peri but to be fair he did just sacrifice his fifth body for her and she never even thanked him.

Attack Of The Cybermen Requires a Doctorate (see what I did there) in all things Who before it even begins to make any sense. Casual viewers would have had no chance.

Vengeance On Varos Jason Connery proves he's not as good an actor as his old man.

The Mark Of The Rani The Rani openly laughs at the Master's attempts to destroy the Doctor. Luckily she didn't see him disguise himself as a Scarecrow for no apparent reason.

The Two Doctors Frazer Hines proves he has found the secret of eternal youth. Years of living at Emmerdale Farm have served him well.

Timelash Timelash is an anagram of Lame Shit which is surely just a coincidence.

Revelation Of The Daleks Contains a classic Holmesian Double Act whatever that might be.

The Trial Of A Timelord The opening shot of the space station is magnificent which is good because we will see it about a thousand times. Crozier's sip of tea is way cool!!!

Doctor Who - The Seventh Doctor

The Sylvester McCoy Years 1987-1989


Time And The Rani The Rani obviously believes in being prepared because she just happens to have a spare Mel costume just when she really needs it.

Paradise Towers What is it with Mel? After all that has happened (death, murder, cannabilism) all she seems to care about is having a swim in the pool. It's just weird!

Delta And The Bannermen Why does Billy change into a Chimeron just because he eats some of their food? You don't turn into a dog if you eat dog food???

Dragonfire Keep an eye on Stella's mother. After half the planet has been massacred, all she cares about is finding a bargain. It's like she doesn't realise so many people have been killed.

Rememberance Of The Daleks It's never really clear what the Daleks are remembering but it's a good story all the same.

The Happiness Patrol Bloody Margaret Thatcher.

Silver Nemesis Even Ace points out to the Doctor that this is virtually the same plot as Rememberance Of The Daleks only two stories ago.

The Greatest Show Of The Galaxy Blimey it's Adrian Mole!!!

Battlefield How cool was it to see Bessie again? The new number plates were probably a little extreme but hey this was the JNT era.

Ghost Light Apparently this was all part of the Cartmel Master Plan so blame him if you have no idea what is going on in this episode.

The Curse Of Fenric Gee those Russian soldiers were well disciplined. They were ordered to speak only English from now which they did, even on their death beds.

Survival You can only assume that the Master became so nutty after this story he went and became the snake thing you see in the American movie with the Pertwee logo.

Doctor Who - The Eighth Doctor

The Paul McGann Years 1996


Doctor Who - The Movie The Doctor tells Grace he is half-human on his mother's side presumably so she will snog him. If that's the case you'd think he would have said to Leela or even Peri, "By the way, have I ever told you about my mother?"

Doctor Who - The Ninth Doctor

The Christopher Eccleston Years 2005


Rose How we all prayed that this would be good. How we all cringed when we saw the rubbish bin scene.

The End Of The World And so the Earth is finally destroyed. I guess Russell T. is hoping that we've forgotten we already saw this happen in The Ark where a different explanation was offered.

The Unquiet Dead Apparently the first thing the undead do is go to the Theatre. And keep an eye on that servant girl, she looks kind of familiar.

Aliens Of London It's the Slitheen, those farty gasbags of fun. How we howled. How our sides ached.

World War Three The Doctor, Rose and Harriet survive a missile attack on Downing Street because they are in a small metal room???

Dalek The reveal of the mystery alien might have been more effective if it hadn't also been the title of the story.

The Long Game Actually this Long Game only went for the usual 42 minutes but it seemed so much longer.

Father's Day Most people send their dad a card on Father's Day. Rose pushes hers under a speeding car. Or something like that.

The Empty Child Are you my mummy? A whole new generation of children finally learn what it is to be traumatised by Doctor Who. That'll teach them!

The Doctor Dances You did all get that "dancing" is a metaphor for "fucking" didn't you??? Yes of course you did.

Boom Town The Doctor goes on a date with Margaret Slitheen. No really!!!

Bad Wolf Captain Jack takes the opportunity to get his kit off... not for the last time I suspect.

The Parting Of The Ways The Daleks give their candid opinion about the American Movie With The Pertwee Logo's half-human assertion. It's blasphemy apparently.

Doctor Who - The Tenth Doctor

The David Tennant Years 2005-2009


Children In Need (AKA Born Again) Yes apparently this was really called Born Again. If that was the case you'd think they might have mentioned it in the opening credits or something of the sort.

The Christmas Invasion The Sycorax invade Earth on Christmas Day. Luckily the new Doctor is there to lend a hand. See what I did there.

Attack Of The Graske This is kind of like one of those old Choose Your Own Adventures books but not quite as annoying. Not quite.

New Earth Cat nuns. What's not to love?

Tooth And Claw Anyone who is still traumatised by Torchwood: Children Of Earth should blame Queen Victoria. She's the one who started the ball rolling. Bloody werewolf!!!

School Reunion The only thing the new Doctor Who was missing was Sarah Jane Smith. And blimey here she is!!! And she has K9 with her. Bliss.

The Girl In The Fireplace Blimey, remember the uproar when the Eighth Doctor snogged Grace. Here he gets pissed and shags Madame De Pompadour. William Hartnell must be turning in his grave.

Rise Of The Cybermen How come, in the parallel Earth everybody was pretty much the same (well Rose was a dog) except Mickey who was called Ricky. It doesn't make sense at all.

The Age Of Steel Even though it wasn't our Jackie it was still horrifying to see her become a Cyberman. Which begs the question, why aren't there any Cyberwomen? (And no that one in Torchwood doesn't count... she'd be a Cyberman if the process had worked properly).

The Idiot's lantern I guess they can't all be gems. This certainly isn't.

The Impossible Planet The Ood can be rude but are willing to serve you food!!! Except when they're taken over by the desolate one we call Satan. But how often goes a thing like that happen?

The Satan Pit Hmmm, there's a great whopping pit down here. I wonder what could be down there. Another story where the title kind of gives away the ending.

Love And Monsters A story with such a good soundtrack it was released on CD. It's called ELO's Greatest Hits.

Fear Her Would it be churlish to point out that this is basically The Idiot's Lantern with a few minor plot tweaks. Not quite as dull as The Space Pirates but almost.

Army Of Ghosts You've gotta love the way that that Britain just accepts the "ghosts" into their lives and just gets on with things. Thats stoicism for you.

Doomsday Daleks versus Cybermen. It's a fanboy's wet dream.

The Runaway Bride Donna doesn't actually run away as such. It's more she gets sucked through the vortex and ends up in the Tardis but including all of this would be an un-neccessarily complicated episode title.

Smith And Jones Blimey, the Doctor has only just met Martha and he's already snogging her.

The Infinite Quest The Doctor and Martha are more animated than usual. Apparently someone thought it would be a good idea to re-make the Keys Of Marinus. I'm not really sure why?

The Shakespeare Code The scene where the woman empties her chamber pot and barely misses the Doctor and Martha is the most terrifying thing ever seen on Doctor Who.

Gridlock Russell T. has obviously been watching the Sensorites because the Doctor's speech at the end is pretty much Susan's speech from the earlier story. And let's face it, the kittens were fantastic.

Daleks In Manhattan Hmmm, it's set in Manhattan. I wonder if the Daleks are going to turn up? Or Morton Dill.

Evolution Of The Daleks The Daleks evolve into a creature without a sink plunger. It will never work.

The Lazarus Experiment This story has a good ending, so good that they do it twice. No really watch this again. It has two endings and they're both exactly the same.

42 The action of this story was designed to take place in exactly 42 minutes of real time. It just seems a lot longer.

Human Nature I guess we're not supposed to remember that the Seventh Doctor already had this adventure in a novel which (funnily enough) was called Human Nature.

The Family Of Blood Yes, the Family of Blood are terrifying but not as terrifying as Thomas Sangster's eyebrows.

Blink Yes it's brilliant but I wonder how many viewers strained their eyes as they tried desperately not to blink along with Sally Sparrow.

Utopia Yes, it was very enigmatic of the Face Of Boe to give the You Are Not Alone clue (YANA). Surely it would have been much easier to say "By the way, watch out for Professor Yana, he's really the Master".

The Sound Of Drums The Master is back. No beard this time... well a wife!!!

The Last Of The Time Lords The Master is obviously a huge Lord Of The Rings fan because he turns the Doctor into... Gollum.

Time Crash Peter Davison proves he really was one of the best Doctors. Nostalgia at its very best.

Voyage Of The Damned It's got our Kylie in it. What more really needs to be said.

Partners In Crime Thank God Donna is good in this because the Adipose are total pants. Not one to show non-believers whom you are trying to convince to become Whovians.

The Fires Of Pompeii The Doctor and Donna become household gods. I wonder what future archeaologists made of that?

Planet Of The Ood Donna takes the trend for wearing hoodies to an extreme level.

The Sontaran Strategm Is it just me or does anybody else find the clone of Martha writhing in all that liquid, incredibly sexy.

The Poison Sky Sometimes the simple solution is the best!!! It takes Sylvia to realise that the best way to save Wilf is to smash the car window. You'd think the Doctor might have twigged as well.

The Doctor's Daughter I suspect I'm not the only one who felt cheated when it wasn't really his daughter. Ah but here's the clever bit. In real life she is Peter Davison's daughter. So she really is the Doctor daughter after all.

The Unicorn And The Wasp Doctor Who finally gets the chance to do a real Agatha Christie type mystery (yes Black Orchid I'm looking at you) and it has the woman herself in the thick of the action.

Silence in The Library So River Song knows the Doctor's real name. What's the bet its something like Tarquin or Cecil?

Forest Of The Dead I work in a library but after this story I was too scared to go into work again.

Midnight Was I the only one who felt cheated when Elaine Paige failed to turn up in this episode?

Turn Left I just can't bring myself to make fun of this, the best ever Doctor Who story EVER!!!

The Stolen Earth In this modern age of Doctor Who spinoffs, surely it can only be a matter of time before that milkman at the start of the episode gets his own series.

Journey's End Once companions came and went and no one barely noticed. Donna's departure required the viewer to undergo trauma counselling.

Music Of The Spheres The Doctor chases a Graske all over the Royal Albert Hall in this most bizarre of adventures. It's absolutely terrifying.

The Next Doctor Let's get this straight, Jackson thinks he's the Doctor because he was accidentally exposed to the Cybermen's Doctor Who DVD collection. And what purpose did the Cybershades serve, except for a dubiously cheap laugh.

Planet Of The Dead Paul Magrs fans collectively uttered a sigh of disappointment when they realised that the bus was... just a bus. Admittedly it was a flying bus, but it was just a bus.

The Waters Of Mars It's Mars!!! Surely that means a return of the Ice Warriors... or Sutekh... or those Ambassadors Of Death. Apparently we'll know in November.

Song Lyrics